February 4, 2006
It's Superbowl Sunday tomorrow, which, for
the benefit of my non-American readers, I must explain is
an annual event in which people across America gather 'round
their televisions to drink beer and yell at their televisions.
While they are doing this, the people on their televisions
are playing a game that we in America call "football,"
which is a game a little bit like the game the rest of the
world calls "football," except that in American
football, there is significantly less contact between the
foot and the ball.
There are several theories as to why the American game
is called "football," the two most common being
that (1) the inventors of the sport were too lazy to come
up with something original, or (2) the ball used in the
American version of the game is actually shaped like a foot
with a severe case of gout.
In researching this, I just googled the word "gout,"
and one of the "sponsored link" ads that came
up said, "Looking for gout? Find exactly what you want
(Yes. It really said that.)
Being the responsible journalist that I am, I investigated
further and searched for "gout" on eBay. Nineteen
items came up, including a gay DVD from France, three footstools
designed to relieve gout, a Limoges China basket, and a
But I digress.
Here in Seattle, people are extremely excited about tomorrow's
Big Game because it is the first time in history the Seattle
Seahawks have made it to the Superbowl. I have two thoughts
on this matter:
1) Woohoo! Let's drink beer!
2) People! Calm down! It's only a game!
In response to the second of those two comments, crazed
football fans are going to show up at my door in about seven
minutes and beat the crap out of me. So it's been nice knowing
y'all. If I do manage to fend them off with the footstool
I have just purchased on eBay, I will give them the following
reasons for my bad attitude about tomorrow's game:
1) After the Seahawks won the National Conference playoff
two weekends ago, earning them the right to play in the
Superbowl, I did my duty as an American and went straight
to my local bar to drink beer. The news was on TV in the
bar. One Seahawks fan actually said to a reporter, "This
is the best day of my life."
The best day of your life?!?!
Dude, that is sad.
2) A report on the news this morning showed a church in
Seattle holding a special service to pray for the Seahawks'
Excuse me? Since when did God become a football referee?
After Hurricane Katrina displaced basically the entire population
of New Orleans a few months back, a few religious zealots
came out and said God was punishing the people of that great
city for their sins. I have a different theory as to why
God allowed Hurricane Katrina to inflict such wrath. Maybe
God is getting too distracted by people praying for things
like football to keep track of all the hurricanes, starvation,
I don't mean to be a football scrooge. I will watch the
game tomorrow with the rest of Seattle because it is my
civic duty, and because I like beer. What nobody is thinking
at this moment though is that 24 hours from now, the mood
in Seattle will be either jubilant or severely depressed.
Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, the opposite reaction will be
occurring. Potentially, one field goal or interception could
profoundly alter the happiness or lack thereof in two entire
cities. That's pretty weird.
I'm Taoist, and Taoists don't pray for football victories.
We meditate. But not during the game, because beer and meditation
do not mix well. So I won't be praying for Seattle to win.
I will be yelling at the television along with everybody
else, and if the Seahawks are victorious, I will celebrate
by... oh, I don't know... maybe having another beer. But
as Seattle prepares for an exciting day tomorrow, let's
keep things in perspective. Remember this old saying: It
matters not whether you win or lose, but how you orchestrate
malfunction now that the halftime show will be broadcast
on a pesky five-second delay.
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