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On
Sale Now!
Getting Lost:
Mishaps of an
Accidental Nomad
Dave's
award-winning book of humorous stories about things that have gone wrong
in his international travels.
More Info...
Something terrifying happened to me this afternoon. I rolled out of bed and realized 2003 is finished. Forever. Not that that's a bad thing. It's just that nobody bothered to tell me. So here we are at the dawn of the new year — that special time when absolutely every newspaper, magazine, television news show, and Internet porn site comes up with its trite review of the Year That Was. And davethefox.com is no exception. In keeping with my proud online tradition (procrastinating), I am thrilled to present (a few days behind schedule) my annual year in review. This look back at 2003 is dedicated to Michael Jackson and Saddam Hussein — two world leaders, each in his own rite, who promise us countless hours of boring television trial footage in the coming year. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's take a look back at 2003. 2003 was a crazy year in which the SARS virus attacked Asia, the "Sobig" virus attacked the Internet, the United States military attacked Iraq, and Arnold Schawarzenegger attacked California. On a more personal front, it was a year in which I quit my day job to freelance full time, took my first helicopter ride, ate 17 gyros in 17 days, and slept a lot. Mars came closer to Earth than it ever has since the human being was invented. Controversy erupted after the Martian government refused to support the US-led war in Iraq. In the House of Representatives cafeteria, lawmakers changed the name of the Mars candy bar to "Freedom Bar."
Meanwhile in Asia, paper masks were all the rage. While some governments advised their citizens to don the masks to reduce their chances of catching SARS, China's government announced, "There is no problem here. We just think the masks are a cool fashion statement." I celebrated my 35th birthday in October. Don't worry if you forgot it. It's never too late to send presents. I celebrated in Greece, the site of the aforementioned gyros binge. It was an exciting time to visit Greece, where preparations are in full swing for the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens. The Athens government says it expects to be ready for the games sometime in 2007. The United States and Canada experienced one of the most widespread power failures in history in 2003, plunging millions into darkness. Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi declared smugly that such an event could never happen in his country. Six weeks later, it did. But the biggest news of the year didn't happen until December, when Saddam Hussein popped up out of the ground, kind of like in those amusement park whack-a-mole games. US forces whacked him.
I don't know about you, but I breathed a huge sigh of relief, knowing that it was once again safe to turn on the television without being subjected to endless drivel about the Michael Jackson child molestation case. Unlike the moles in the amusement parks, it turns out Saddam speaks English — at least enough to tell his captors, "I am the president of Iraq and I want to negotiate." Asked where he learned such good English, Saddam reached in his pocket and pulled out a copy of the book, "Beginning English for Dictators." Soldiers from the Fourth Infantry Division moved quickly to arrest Saddam, charging him with impersonating Fidel Castro. "He hoped the disguise would make it easier for him to sneak into Guantanamo Bay and rouse the prisoners there," said a US military spokesman. Angered that the world was misunderstanding his Halloween costume, Saddam denied the charges. "I am not Fidel Castro!" shouted the ragged former dictator as he was wrestled into an awaiting tank. "I am Jerry Garcia!" Saddam's daughter, Raghad Hussein, defended her father on CNN. "As a daughter, I told them from the start, my father is drugged," she said. "That is proof he is trying to look like Jerry Garcia." While Raghad Hussein was clearly disturbed by her father's arrest, nobody was angrier than California District Attorney Tom Sneddon, who jumped up and down and yelled, "Hey! We're supposed to be talking about Michael Jackson here! Where the hell did everybody go?" Sneddon then announced Jackson would be charged with seven counts of child molestation, and two counts of impersonating Raghad Hussein. Saddam is now being held at an undisclosed location, where US troops are interrogating him and the Gillette Corporation is trying to get him to appear in a commercial for their new Gillette Ultra Smooth Seven-Blade Mega-Razor. And this brings us to 2004. My first activity in 2004 has been to go on the Atkins Diet — not because I want to lose weight (I weigh 128 pounds) but because the Atkins Diet is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. And when I determine something is stupid and dangerous, I like to partake in it. Stay tuned to this website for a full report. Have a safe and adventurous 2004! |
