Mr. Fox's Neighborhood

By Dave Fox

America has mourned the death this week of children's television star Fred Rogers. His show, "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood," first aired nationally in 1968, the year I was born. With more than 900 episodes, it continues to be the longest running program on the PBS television network. Rogers encouraged children to use their imagination and curiosity, and to be proud of their individuality. He died on February 27 of stomach cancer at his home in Pittsburgh. He was 74. This week's column takes a tongue-in-cheek look at what life might have been like without Mr. Rogers. The world would have been a more scary, dysfunctional place.

Welcome to Mr. Fox's Neighborhood.

(Cue xylophone music.)

"It's a beautiful day in the condominium, a beautiful day in the condo…."

Hi boys and girls! I'm so glad to have you as my neighbors. Has anybody seen my sneakers? I know they're around here somewhere.

Maybe they're under this pile of dirty laundry.

No.

Stupid shoes! I can never find them.

What did you say, boys and girls? Look in the closet?

Ha ha ha! Don't be silly boys and girls! Only a complete mama's boy would put his shoes away in the closet.

Oh to hell with it…. Oops… I mean… Oh golly gee. I'll just do the show in my socks today. Look! You can see my toes poking out through the holes! Look at them wiggle!

Hey, boys and girls! It's time to sing a special song! Today's special song is by Eminem. Sing along with me everybody, and don't forget to shake your booty!

Damn you Mr. Telephone! Why do you always ring when I'm in the middle of my special song?

(Hello? ...Yes, this is Mr. Fox.)

Hey, boys and girls, it's your mother!

(Yes…. Oh…. Yes I understand. Okay. Goodbye.)

Well boys and girls, your mother says if I have anymore Eminem sing-alongs, she will sue me for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Can you say "contributing to the delinquency of a minor?"

I didn't think so.

Mr. McFeely was the mailman on "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. His last name came from the middle name of Fred McFeely Rogers. The two are seen here in a 1996 episode.

Hey, someone's at the door! It's Mr. Postman! Let's see what fun mail he has for us today!

Mr. Postman brought me a special letter. It's from a collection agency. Can you say "collection agency" boys and girls?

Collection agencies are places where stupid mean people try to take away your money. Last year they tried to repossess Mr. Fox's car, but I told them to… well, never mind what I told them. Anyway, you don't need to worry, boys and girls. I will pay the money grubbing collection agency scumbags so Mr. Telephone doesn't get turned off.

Mail isn't always bad. Sometimes Mr. Postman brings happy news too, like pre-approved credit card offers so I can pay my bills. Would you like to see my credit card collection? I have 87 different ones. Gold ones and silver ones. Some have my name on them. And some have other people's names. Strangers' names.

You should never talk to strangers, boys and girls. Strangers are bad. That's why I take their credit cards away when they're not looking so I can pay for Mr. Telephone.

Okay boys and girls! It's time to go to the Land of Make Believe!

Look! It's my special imaginary friend, Henrietta! Hi Henrietta! I'm so happy you're my special imaginary friend.

What Henrietta? We have to have a talk? Oh good. I like talks!

What do you mean this just isn't working out, Henrietta?

You've met someone else? Henrietta, are you dumping me?

You can't dump me, you stupid skank! You're my imaginary friend! I get to decide what you do!

I do NOT have low self esteem! You do!

Henrietta! Get back here or I'm never talking to you again!

Fine! The boys and girls and I will find a new special imaginary friend! We didn't like you anyway!

I'm so glad we had this special time together today boys and girls. It's been a special day, hasn't it? Now, go to Mr. Refrigerator and bring Mr. Fox a beer.

What do you mean there's no more beer in Mr. Refrigerator? That's my magical fridge where there's always beer!

Look, you stupid boys and girls, you're all a bunch of stupid liars! When Mr. Fox asks you to go to the fridge and bring him a beer, you are supposed to do what he tells you!

Fine, you little brats! Then get out of my home! Mr. Fox is going out to his magical special place where he has real friends like Mike the Bartender who tells him he's a great guy and gives him beer when he asks for it.

(Cue xylophone. Roll credits.)