This Little Piggy Went to Toys 'R' Us

By Dave Fox

The British government has just informed pig farmers they must buy toys for all of their pigs. If the farmers don't comply, they could be fined 1,000 pounds or face up to three months in jail, according to an article in the London Times.

It seems that pigs, cute and squealy as they may be, like to chew on each others' tails. And who can blame them? It's free bacon. But the European Parliament in Brussels, Belgium, has passed this law to distract the pigs from eating each other.

Official instructions sent to farmers said they have 90 days to provide each pig with "manipulable material."

Most British pig farmers did not know what this meant. Neither did I, so I looked it up in the dictionary and found this definition:

But a spokesman for Britain's Department for Environment, Food, and Rural Affairs translated the instructions, and explained that "manipulable material" means "balls."

"We mean footballs and basketballs," the spokesman told the Times. "Farmers may also need to change the balls so the pigs don't get tired with the same one. Different colour ones will do."

This raises important safety questions, such as: Why do the Brits always spell color with the letter U?

Chauncey the Pig waits longingly for his Sony Playstation.

So as we sit on the brink of a major war, President Bush's staunchest ally, Tony Blair, is making sure the pigs in his country aren't fighting.

But will the Manipulable Material Movement work? To find out, I obtained an exclusive interview with Chauncey the Pig.

"What do they think this is? The 20th century?" Chauncey oinked by telephone from his pigsty in Sussex. "I don't want a bloody football! I want a Sony Playstation!"

Chauncey's stymate, Bettina the Sow, echoed Chauncey's frustration. "This whole thing is gender-biased," Bettina squealed. "Footballs are for boy pigs. Give me a Miss Piggy Doll."

In my ongoing quest to foster world peace and harmony, I have decided to take matters into my own hands. You may recall that two weeks ago, I started a charity in which you, the reader, could send me money. I would use this money to buy beer, which I would then trade for Bubonic Plague bacteria in order to keep the disease out of the hands of bioterrorists.

This charity movement was a roaring success. Although I did not achieve my donation goal of $6.98 plus sales tax, you will notice there have been no incidents of bioterrorism since then.

So I am starting a new charity. Here's how it works:

You send me money. I will use your money to buy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, which I will send to George W. Bush, Tony Blair, Saddam Hussein, and other needy world leaders. Maybe if they have some toys to play with, they too will stop trying to bite each others' tails.

London Times article: Why Our Pigs are Having a Ball