Foxitol
A Word From Our Sponsor
By
Dave Fox
Studies show that most Americans who breathe will become afflicted with
a medical condition at some point in their life. But if you are one of
the millions of at-risk breathing Americans, there is new hope.
Announcing Foxitol, the pill that claims to cure everything. If you suffer
from depression, obesity, hair loss, gout, erectile dysfunction, womanly
cramps, ingrown toenails, fatigue, too many speeding tickets, or social
ineptness, ask your doctor if Foxitol is right for you.
Fast-acting Foxitol is a prescription medication that acts fast. And
it doesn't have any of those annoying side-effects like loss of limbs
or death. Foxitol is a specially balanced formula of exotic herbs harvested
from the glaciers of Greenland. It targets problem brain cells and destroys
them so you no longer notice your symptoms.
In a random survey, nine out of ten physicians said Foxitol is more effective
than arsenic in treating bad breath. Best of all, easy-to-swallow Foxitol
caplets come in your choice of springtime yellow or fashionable mauve!
When taken with water, Foxitol relieves dryness of the mouth.
Only your doctor can prescribe Foxitol. Ask him for a free sample.
Just one yummy pill a day can reduce depression and put a stop to the
voices in your head. Foxitol has been shown to reduce clumsiness. Studies
show that nine out of ten people who take a Foxitol tablet instead of
drinking a twelve-pack of Schlitz Malt Liquor are less likely to fall
down the stairs.
Foxitol also helps reduce anxiety, eliminating that helpless, irritated
feeling you get every time you see a pharmaceutical commercial on television.
And now, for hypochondria sufferers, there's fast-acting Foxitol Placebo.
Taken twice hourly,
Foxitol PL helps calm your fears, so you'll have more time to worry about
your legitimate medical concerns and pending doom.
Ask your doctor today about the new yellow-or-mauve pill, Foxitol. For
the peace of mind and perfect health you always knew you could have…
if only you could find the right prescription.
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Foxitol is not for everyone. Side effects include
nausea, dizziness, sexual side effects that we are too embarrassed
to discuss, nervous twitching, loss of appetite, loss of money,
and loss of friends. Do not use Foxitol if you are allergic to yellow
or mauve pills. Do not operate heavy machinery or perform fire-eating
stunts while taking Foxitol. Do not feed Foxitol to wild animals;
they bite. Foxitol can also cause diarrhea, but that's really gross
so please don't ask us to go into details.
Results vary. For maximum effect, drink your
milk and finish your vegetables. Only you can prevent forest fires.
Do not use Foxitol to prevent forest fires.
Asking your doctor if Foxitol is right for you
could result in you having to endure painful and unnecessary medical
tests. Foxitol is not recommended for children or adults.
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