Italy Under Siege

A Concise Guide on How to be Paranoid

By Dave Fox

The US State Department's Office of Vague Terrorism Warnings has issued a special advisory for four Italian cities.

"The US government has learned that a possible threat exists to US citizens in the cities of Venice, Florence, Milan, and Verona on Easter Sunday," the advisory says. "Americans should increase their security awareness and avoid large crowds."

Asked how anybody can possibly avoid large crowds in a big Italian city, sources told davethefox.com, "Golly, we hadn't really thought of that."

Italian officials have responded angrily to the warning, saying there is no specific threat. Milan Public Prosecutor Gerardo D'Ambrosio told CNN, "It's just what the terrorists want."

This is the latest in a series of vague terrorism warnings from the US government. Last December, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge warned of a "credible but non-specific" threat and urged all Americans to be on their "highest alert."

Many Americans are wondering exactly what it means to be on their highest alert. As a public service, davethefox.com is proud to provide these Extremely Helpful Guidelines on How to Cower in the Face of Vague Government Warnings About Travel in Italy:

• Nobody should go to Italy. Not even Italians who live there. If you are there, duck and cover. No, wait, evacuate the country. Everybody out. Please no looting.

• If you are not able to flee, it is imperative that you cower in your hotel room. Stay away from bookcases, which might bonk you on the head if there is an earthquake. Cower under a large desk. If your hotel room does not have a large desk, go quietly outside and scavenge for car parts and welding tools. Without arousing suspicion, bring them to your hotel and construct a shelter.

• The State Department advises all citizens to "avoid large crowds." This is virtually impossible in major Italian cities, but don't let that discourage you. You must be clever. If you are in Venice, jump in the Grand Canal. Yes, the sewage will kill you. But this way, it's the sewage that wins, not the terrorists.

According to the State Department announcement, "Civilian targets may include facilities where Americans and the general public are usually known to congregate or visit, such as clubs, restaurants, places of worship, schools, or outdoor recreation events."

• In addition to restaurants, avoid grocery stores. Terrorists will be there because they are targeting the restaurants. Besides, eating food makes you larger, which makes you an easier target.

• If you must eat, go into the woods and forage for roots and berries. Use extreme caution. Environmental extremists could be targeting people who pick berries. Wear camouflage. But wear highly visible camouflage so hunters don't accidentally shoot you.

• Consider other places where people congregate or visit, and avoid them too. Examples include elevators, pharmacies, bus stops, bathrooms, buildings, and people's mother's houses.

Do all you can to blend in with the local population:

• Buy a cell phone, a $400 pair of sunglasses, and pants that are two sizes too tight.

• Sing Ricky Martin songs.

• Chain smoke.

• Steal a Vespa.

• Avoid speaking English.

• Also avoid speaking Italian. Your accent is pathetic.

• If you must speak English, do so with a thick Jamaican accent mon. Nobody falls for the Canadian flag trick anymore.

• Avoid discussing politics and religion.

• Also avoid discussing the Academy Awards, "Survivor," trigonometry, the blisters on your feet, and why the Italians charge money for public toilets.

• Do not display symbols of American capitalism, such as expensive jewelry, McDonald's Happy Meals, or books that have been featured in Oprah's Book Club.

• Do not chew gum, drink bottled water, sneeze, or scratch yourself. These are all things Americans do.

• Do not show anybody pictures of your grandchildren. This has nothing to do with terrorism, but it is extremely annoying.

If you see someone who looks suspicious, alert the US embassy. Examples of suspicious persons include:

• Individuals speaking foreign languages.

• Individuals speaking English.

• Individuals carrying large bombs.

• Individuals named Luigi.

• Little old ladies knitting ski masks.

• Police officers.

• Stray cats.

• Ricky Martin.

The government warns that Easter Sunday is the most likely time of attack.

• If you see the Easter Bunny, do not give him a hug. Go to the nearest rehab facility. You are hallucinating.

US Secretary of State Colin Powell advises, "Enjoy yourselves but display some caution in your activities."

Davethefox.com agrees with Secretary Powell. Be prudent and heed the warning. Don't go outside. Don't go inside. But don't let the terrorists win by staying home. Have a nice trip.

Under the Terrorism Rainbow

The State Department recently announced a new color-coded alert system for terrorist activity. The system was designed to help six-year-olds better understand how paranoid they need to be.

Under the new five-color system, terrorists will be kept informed as to whether or not the government knows they're out there.

The White House issued this key to understanding the new system:

	Green: We're oblivious.
	Blue: We're still oblivious, but we're trying not to look complacent.
	Yellow: Use caution — unless there is no car in front of you, in which case, accelerate and you might make it through the intersection.
	Orange: A caller has asked our switchboard if the White House refrigerator is running. We don't know what this means.
	Red: AAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!! STAY CALM PEOPLE!! THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC!!!!!
	Rainbow: Don't ask, don't tell.

Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge said at a press conference, "For the next 45 days, we're going to ask all Americans to comment on this system."

Responding to Ridge's invitation, first grader Jenny Brown said, "I think it's pretty."