A Long-Standing Debate
Raising the Seat to its Upright and Locked Position
By
Dave Fox
I walked into the bathroom at work recently and found a sign on the wall.
"Men," it said, "please put the seat down after use."
The debate about a man's moral obligation to leave the toilet seat down
has been raging since prehistoric times. Years ago, I asked my girlfriend
what the big deal was.
"A lady should never have to touch a toilet seat," she told
me.
Our relationship ended shortly thereafter.
Call me a bleeding-heart liberal commie if you must, but I don't agree
with the notion that women are so feeble, they will develop a life-threatening
twitch if they come in contact with a toilet seat. On the contrary, I
feel a thank you is in order for the fact that we men put the seat up
in the first place.
This is a sensitive issue, I realize. I could end up single for the rest
of my life for writing this. But it's the 21st century, and if we're going
to have sexual equality, I don't believe we should have a double standard
in the bathroom.
I have come up with a gender-neutral solution to the problem. On odd-numbered
days of the month, everybody puts the seat down. On even-numbered days,
we put it up.
If you don't like that idea, here's another: Let's all switch to the
hole-in-the-floor-style toilets that are prevalent in other parts of the
world. In a public restroom, it's a lot more sanitary to hover over a
hole in the floor than it is to sit in the same spot where thousands of
strangers have sat before you. Squatting is also good exercise.
Americans condescendingly refer to these toilets as "Turkish toilets."
I'm not sure how Turkey got pegged as the patent owner for this style
of commode. They're found in many countries. Of all the wonderful cultural
things Turkey has to offer, we name a toilet after them? But national
identities aside, I realize this plan won't fly in the US. Americans have
a severe dread of squat toilets.
When President Bush (the elder) visited Turkey during his time in office,
the Turkish government gave him the plushest accommodations in all of
Istanbul — a room right inside the legendary Topkapi Palace. There
was just one problem. There was no sit-down toilet. Turkish officials
ordered a brand new westernized one so the president wouldn't have to
squat.
Who knows? Perhaps world leaders do their best thinking while seated.
But I can't help believing we would have a more peaceful world if we had
gender-neutral toilets.
A man's ability to aim is another source of conflict. The problem is
bad enough that one hotel in Denmark actually has a sign in the restroom
with detailed instructions.
"It has been brought to the attention of Det Lille Hotel,"
the sign reads, "that fairly basic water drainage is clearly a problem
for many men…."
The sign offers a 12-step plan for on-target urination. Among the advice
offered:
I agree that men need to be more conscientious. Granted, after a couple
of beers, the target gets harder to hit, but wiping up our splashes is
the polite thing to do.
What I find equally troubling, however, is reports from my female spy
friends who have broken their code of silence and revealed to me part
of what goes on in the ladies' room. Reliable female sources tell me that
in public restrooms, many women don't sit down. They hover. The same female
sources tell me women miss more than men, and they don't bother to put
the seat up first.
In an attempt to remedy this situation, a nurse named Denise Becker has
launched a website instructing women how to stand. "No more hovering
over filthy toilets or getting poison ivy on your bum!" the site
promises.
This is a serious website intended for mature adults, which is why I
did not read it very carefully. But if you are curious and you promise
not to giggle at Nurse Decker's very serious campaign, you will find her
site at www.restrooms.org.
Men and women have entirely different cultures when it comes to bathroom
etiquette. For example, I don't get why women like to go to the bathroom
together when they're out in public. I would lose most of my male friends
if I asked them to come with me.
As for my own personal restroom behavior, I have always followed the
advice of my mother. She taught me to always close the lid completely.
Davethefox.com is extremely concerned that all sides are represented
in this emotional issue. Replies to this column have been posted on the
April 2002 Outbursts page.
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