Happy Dysfunctional New Year!

By Dave Fox
January 1, 2002

Dear friends, relatives, and close personal strangers,

Happy new year!

This is the season when we all write holiday form letters enlightening people we never talk to at any other time of year about our past 12 months. Usually these letters are sent out by couples, and are written in the third person so we know who is being discussed in any given sentence. We say things like, "At work, Skippy was promoted to executive junior vice president in charge of cubicle security. Muffy's recipe for squid and artichoke cheesecake balls was published in the Tuscaloosa Post's annual Guide to Food. Little Gillian turned three in August and played the starring role in her Montessori School's performance of 'Into Thin Air.'"

Being a bachelor with no known children or plants, I have decided to include Nigel in this year's letter. Nigel is a seven-foot-tall green raffia giraffe from Madagascar who I bought at an African import shop in Wisconsin several years ago. His purpose in this letter is so I (Dave) can refer to myself in the third person like the rest of you do in your holiday letters.

2001 began for us – as it did for many of you – on January 1. Dave rolled over in bed, mumbled something that cannot be repeated in this wholesome, family-oriented letter, and swore he would never touch alcohol again until at least 3 p.m.

Nigel stood in the corner and did nothing.

That is basically all we remember about New Year's Day.

After a grueling month of meetings at work in January and early February, Dave cut back on his office hours to focus on home improvement projects. He began by sitting on the couch and drinking several beers and saying, "Yep, I really should spackle." He then went to the hardware store and got big handfuls of free paint chip color samples, which we are now using for wallpaper.

Life as we know it changed drastically on February 28 when a major earthquake hit Seattle. Nigel tipped over and bumped his head. Dave was not hurt physically, but suffered severe emotional distress after his attempts to retire early by selling broken mirror earthquake souvenirs on the Internet failed. After sulking for several weeks, he (Dave) screamed, "Damn it, how come sulking never works?!" and went back to his day job.

In March, Dave flew to Maryland for his brother Steve's wedding. In a touching display of brotherly love, Dave repaid his brother for money he stole when they were living in England. In 1977, Dave stole 10 pence from Steve's piggy bank and used it to buy them both chocolate. Steve was admirable of Dave's false generosity, and Dave has been wrought with guilt ever since. Dave did not just return the 10 pence. He calculated the exchange rate and added interest for the last 24 years, making the initial 10 p investment (equal to 17 US cents in 1977) now worth $1.67. He then factored in tech stock advice Steve has given him, bringing the $1.67 down to 11 cents, for which Steve received a check and an apology.

The following week, back in Seattle, we had our 12th annual Saint Patrick's Day Fest. Nigel stood in the corner. Dave doesn't remember what he did, but it probably involved Guinness.

On April 1, Dave launched his new website, www.davethefox.com, which is an extremely useful website similar to Amazon.com and CNN.com, except that it does not sell books or report world news. The website has received more than 2,000 hits in its first eight months of operation, mostly from people whose search engines found the term "pictures of me naked" on Dave's home page. As a result, Dave has decided every page on his site should contain the word "naked " at least four times in order to attract more visitors.

A truly touching event occurred in the Fox-Giraffe household in May when we were adopted by Sputnik the Cat. Of all the responses Dave had to his web columns this year, his article about Sputnik, and Sputnik's subsequent guest column, received the highest reader response. Here is an update on Sputnik's whereabouts: Sputnik came for dinner each night for a while but eventually rejected dry cat food on our back patio in favor of the food next door, which consisted of chicken and sardines. She has apparently been taken in by the neighbor and is now demanding Dungeness crab and lobster tails.

Naked naked.

May was followed by June, which is a month. In June, Dave went to work in Scandinavia. Nigel stayed in Seattle and was in a lot of trouble when Dave returned home to find the condo a complete mess. Dave swears the place was clean when he left. Nigel has had little to say in his defense.

July was Home Improvement Month Part 2 in the Fox-Giraffe household. Unfortunately Dave forgot about this, so nothing really got done. In August and September, Dave was back in Scandinavia for more tours.

We all know what happened on September 11. We know this because there has been nothing else on television ever since. Several things have happened as a result of the September 11 terrorist attacks:

• 	Geraldo: Friendly fire anyone?

• President Bush signed legislation mandating that every American suburbanite must fly cheap plastic flags from his or her minivan.

• Americans were encouraged to fight terrorism by buying patriotic music by Lee Greenwood and playing it until the terrorists can't stand it anymore and leave.

• Americans celebrated their freedom by kicking random dark-skinned people off of airplanes.

• Geraldo Rivera went to report in Afghanistan for the Fox News Channel (which, for the record, is not affiliated with davethefox.com). Rivera was warmly welcomed in Afghanistan, where nobody has television.

In October, Dave got married. Wait, no, that was somebody else. Never mind. He (Dave) did, however celebrate his birthday. He is still waiting for you to send him a present.

In November, Nigel stood in the corner. Dave decided to escape the Seattle rain by going to Rome. In Rome, Dave got to experience Roman rain, which is a lot like Seattle rain only it feels sort of Italian. When it rains in Rome, the people there have a tradition where they honk their horns a lot and wave their fists. They also have this tradition when it is not raining. Also in Rome, people like to speak Italian, which is the language responsible for most Americans not being able to spell "spaghetti" or "lasagne."

Dave brought back exciting souvenirs from Rome, which included a plastic Viking and the flu. After 72 hours of violent coughing, Dave went to the urgent care facility of his HMO, where the doctor questioned him thoroughly for 15 minutes about what it is like to work for Rick Steves. Then the doctor spent another 15 minutes telling Dave about her trip to Italy, which Dave really appreciated, sort of like Ichiro Suzuki really wants to hear about your child's little league game. Then Dave reminded the doctor that he was sick. Then the doctor said, "Yes, that is correct. Would you like some antibiotics?"

Dave asked the doctor if she thought antibiotics were necessary, to which she replied, "It's up to you. You have a really neat job." Dave declined the offer for antibiotics but graciously accepted a prescription for codeine.

Two days later, Dave went back to Urgent Care to request antibiotics. The triage nurse got a very concerned look on her face and said, "So, what's it like to work for Rick Steves?" After Dave answered her questions, the nurse said, "You have a really cool job. And a bad cold, neither of which require antibiotics."

One month later, on December 18, Dave was still coughing. He went to a different doctor, who wrote him a prescription for amoxycillin, and another prescription for nasal spray. Dave is now enjoying his first ever nasal spray experience, which feels sort of like snorting cocaine, except that he has never actually snorted cocaine so he is not sure if that analogy is accurate.

In the second half of December, Dave spent most of his time trying to understand how spraying liquid into his nostrils twice a day is supposed to cure his runny nose.

2002 has exciting things in store for our household. Dave plans to drink some beer, go see his favorite '80s band in Wales, and spackle. Also, he hopes Mount Saint Helens will erupt so he can sell the ashes on e-bay and retire. Or his other goal is to win the lottery, which is very difficult because he never buys lottery tickets, so if you are looking for a belated birthday present to give Dave, that is a good one.

Nigel plans to stand in the corner.

We sincerely hope you and your loved ones have a joyous year in 2002, unless you are a telemarketer, in which case we do not like you.

Peace and Love,

Dave and Nigel