Dave Fox

Letters to the Predator

By Dave Fox

Due to an illness in my immediate family, I regret that I will not be able to write a regular web column this week.

The specifics of the illness are that one of my immediate family members (me) has the flu. And actually, it's not that I am unable to write a normal column this week, but rather that I can't be bothered.

The good news about this flu is that I caught it last week while vacationing in Wales. Wales has a couple of things worth mentioning. It has the town with the longest name in Europe: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, which means, "Saint Mary's Church in the hollow of white hazel near a rapid whirlpool and the Church of Saint Tysilio near the red cave." To save you the hassle of counting, there are 58 letters in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, including four letter L's in a row.

If you ask nicely, the lady at the tourist information office will teach you to pronounce Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Wales also has over-the-counter codeine, which is a medication used for alleviating pain, suppressing coughs, and making you feel like you have been spinning around in circles in a chair for two and a half hours.

For those of you who, like me, have the flu, but do not live in countries with over-the-counter codeine, worry not. I discovered last week that you can get the same buzz you get from codeine by saying "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio-gogogoch" seven times in a single breath.

[Disclaimer: davethefox.com does not officially encourage the abuse of codeine or trying to say Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.]

But enough about altered states of reality. Because of my illness, I have decided to turn this week's column over to you, the readers, who have honored me recently with several enthralling e-mails.

Dear Dave,

You make me laugh my ass off! Keep it up. My ass is too big.

I noticed a very clever logo on your site. I'm wondering when I can get my t-shirt advertising davethefox.com with the excellent logo prominently featured on my chest?

Beth in Portland, Oregon

Dear Beth,

Thank you for using the word, "ass," in your e-mail. It really helps with the search engine traffic. I am proud to report that due to popular demand, davethefox.com t-shirts are now available. Here's how to get yours:

1.	Send me a check for US $19.95.
2.	Go buy a blank T-shirt and a Sharpie pen at your local Walgreen's or similar type of store.
3.	Draw the davethefox logo on your shirt.
4.	Thanks for the $19.95.

Love,
Dave

Dear Dave,

Praise be Nigel! And what a lovely right-margin graphic he makes! If I had the patience to have a contest called, "The Most Actually Interesting Holiday Form Letter Contest of the New Millennium", you would be the winner so far. If you want the Grand Prize, a key chain from the Dollar Store, let me know.

Rhonda in Seattle, Washington

Dear Rhonda,

Have the contest. I want to be able to say this is an award-winning website. And while you're out buying my prize, don't forget to pick yourself up a blank T-shirt and a Sharpie pen.

Love,
Dave

Dear Dave,

I'm just recovering from a browse adventure on your Internet site. Your remark about dysfunctionality caught my procrastinating mind and before I knew it I had surfed the high wave to davethefox.com expecting to wash ashore on Dysfunctionality Beach where I could indulge in eternal forgetfulness with minds alike. And what a surprise: a short and fast trip from dreary Holland to a sunshine place of snarlingly funny fantasy from a guy who should be read by a million more people.

Sometimes I wonder though. How many people do really enjoy the sarcastic or cynical look on life? I find that most individuals I know lean more towards the pragmatic approach. If you hit them with a warped mirror image of what they really do, or an alternative perception of what they do, they just eye you from head to toe with the same look in their eyes as the one from the shrink who meets a new long term admission patient who still has to be confined to his cell.

Steven in Utrecht, the Netherlands

Dear Steven,

Where do you Dutch people learn all of those big English words? It certainly isn't from American television. Did you know the most exported American TV show is "Baywatch?"

But please allow me to correct one word. It's not a million. It's a trillion. My website should be read by a trillion more people. That is why I am pleased to announce that it is officially Spam-a-Friend Month here at davethefox.com. I have done all the desperate self-promotion I am capable of. Now it is up to you, the humble visitors. Spam your friends and tell them davethefox.com is the best thing to happen to entertainment since Jell-O wrestling. They will give you big wet sloppy kisses.

Regarding your comments about my cynicism, anyone who is offended by my cynicism is urged to go visit barney.com instead.

Love,
Dave

Dear Dave,

I really am losing faith in Americans. An item has made the six o'clock news here that you're experimenting with a new weapon of mass destruction in Afghanistan. The BBC reporter described her feeling of despair as B-52 bombers rained down pretzels on an innocent civilian population. She watched, helpless, as women and children fell, choking from their sofas. Special forces were seen firing hand-held bar snacks into cave networks dug deep into the hillsides of southern Afghanistan.

Martin in Caernarfon, Wales

Dear Martin,

Thank you for your e-mail, which enables me to wrap up this column by tying it back to the original topic. I fell choking from my sofa trying to say, "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrn- drobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

Having done some important online research, I have discovered there is a town in Thailand with a name that is 163 letters long. It is called Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinma- hintarayutthayamahadilokphopnopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamorn- phimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit. (Insert hyphens as needed.)

Based on my basic knowledge of the Thai language, I have concluded that this means, "Ha ha ha, you pathetic Welshmen, our grandmothers can kick your 58-letter butts any day!"

Love,
Dave

I have also received two inquiries as to whether or not Nigel, my humble roommate, can be rented for parties. You people are sick. My giraffe is not a prostitute. However, if you mail me a check for $19.95, I will tell you how you can get your very own Nigel the Giraffe T-shirt.