Queen Elizabeth and the Hoochie-Coochie Girls
THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS LANGUAGE THAT WILL OFFEND MOST MEMBERS OF THE
HUMAN SPECIES. READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK. IT SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT
BE READ BY CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 47, MY MOTHER, OR YOUR MOTHER.
IF SEXUALLY EXPLICIT LANGUAGE OFFENDS YOU, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
BE ON THE INTERNET AT ALL. IT'S A FESTERING DEN OF DIGITAL INIQUITY.
Here is some enthralling Internet history for you: Queen Elizabeth II
of England sent her first e-mail in 1976.
In 1976, video pong was a new and exciting game you could play for a
quarter at the bowling alley. Home video games had not yet been invented.
CB radios were the trendy way to communicate.
I don't know who the Queen was e-mailing back then. Nobody else had e-mail.
I also do not know what her historic e-mail said. But I am going to speculate
that it did not say something like, "Horny teenage nymphos
want to do the hoochie-coochie dance for you all night long!!!!"
Never mind that 97 percent of all e-mail today includes those exact words.
I don't think the Queen was into that kind of thing.
If you're surprised the Queen sent her first e-mail in 1976, I have statistics
that will surprise you further. And if you really do not care, and would
rather read more about horny teenage nymphos doing the hoochie-coochie
dance, just be patient for a couple of more paragraphs.
The Internet was first conceived in the early 1960s. I was not born until
the latter part of that epoch, but it's been my assumption that everyone
in the early '60s was too busy eating psychedelic mushrooms to come up
with what would become the most revolutionary invention of the 20th century
(other than the Clapper, of course).
It turns out a bunch of guys were developing this thing called ARPANET,
which was a prototype of sorts for the Internet. I wonder if they realized
their invention would one day be used for the worldwide promotion of horny
teenage nymphos doing the hoochie-coochie dance.
Cyberporn, in its breathtaking array of possibilities, was not the original
purpose of the Internet. Nevertheless, it's out there.
Boy, is it out there!
I will admit that a decade ago, when I discovered I could use my computer
to view women in scantily-clad poses, I immediately sold my collection
of antique Victorian era toothbrushes to buy a color monitor. Twenty minutes
later, I realized computer-generated images of anorexic women with 57DD
breasts are about as erotic as crayfish. My fascination with cyberporn
fizzled abruptly and I went back to video solitaire.
Nevertheless, money is being made off of Internet porn. I know this because
every day at work, I receive approximately 37,432 e-mails from total strangers
informing me I can have three-day trials of horny teenage nymphos doing
the hoochie-coochie dance on my computer, absolutely free, if I just give
them my credit card number.
I'm all for free enterprise, but last week, these messages went too far.
I got to work, turned on my computer, and was greeted with e-mail from
an Internet entrepreneur named Rolly Rumpert (email@example.com).
My e-mail program at work automatically displays the most recently received
message whether I click on it or not. Rolly was writing to inform me of
his website, wrongholio.com. His message included graphics.
Very graphic graphics.
On my computer screen, without my consent, screamingly visible to anybody
who walked by, was a photograph of
[Personal note to my mother: Please stop reading this immediately. Turn
off your computer, and go trim the ivy in the back yard until you forget
I wrote this
it showed, among other things, a variety
of human orifices and a hand.
Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with consenting adults engaging
in whatever makes them quiver, but if I want to see it at all, work is
not the place. If my boss had walked by and seen the e-mail, it would
not have looked professional.
Mortified, I immediately deleted the message.
Then I called my co-workers over, opened up my "Deleted Mail"
folder, and showed them the shocking image I had just seen.
They were equally mortified, so much so that they called several other
co- workers over to show them.
Rolly Rumpert failed to entice me with a free three-day trial, but I
know he and many others are making a lot of cash from websites like his.
Internet porn is big business.
I keep track of search engine statistics that bring visitors to my own
website. The number two search phrase after "Dave Fox" is "pictures
of me naked." (You will find this phrase on my homepage.)
The most often read article on my website is my article about being naked
in a Finnish sauna.
I have learned something important through all of this. If you want to
bring visitors to your website, words like sex, naked, sex, horny, sex,
nude, sex, young teenage girls, sex, hoochie-coochie, and sex will increase
your website traffic.
The words in this very article will probably triple my search engine
traffic over the next year.
Sex sex sex sex sex.
I would be a less hostile person if I didn't have to slog through 37
screenfuls of porn spam each morning. But apparently people like Rolly
Rumpert are staying afloat in these difficult economic times by sending
unsolicited photos of assorted orifices to millions of Internet users
like me and you. I suppose it's better than organized crime.
As far as Queen Elizabeth goes, I have to wonder if Her Majesty knew
what she was helping create when she sent that historic e-mail in 1976.
I doubt it. Then again, perhaps she appreciates the anonymity.