Queen Elizabeth and the Hoochie-Coochie Girls

By Dave Fox

Here is some enthralling Internet history for you: Queen Elizabeth II of England sent her first e-mail in 1976.

In 1976, video pong was a new and exciting game you could play for a quarter at the bowling alley. Home video games had not yet been invented. CB radios were the trendy way to communicate.

I don't know who the Queen was e-mailing back then. Nobody else had e-mail. I also do not know what her historic e-mail said. But I am going to speculate that it did not say something like, "Horny teenage nymphos want to do the hoochie-coochie dance for you all night long!!!!"

Never mind that 97 percent of all e-mail today includes those exact words. I don't think the Queen was into that kind of thing.

If you're surprised the Queen sent her first e-mail in 1976, I have statistics that will surprise you further. And if you really do not care, and would rather read more about horny teenage nymphos doing the hoochie-coochie dance, just be patient for a couple of more paragraphs.

The Internet was first conceived in the early 1960s. I was not born until the latter part of that epoch, but it's been my assumption that everyone in the early '60s was too busy eating psychedelic mushrooms to come up with what would become the most revolutionary invention of the 20th century (other than the Clapper, of course).

It turns out a bunch of guys were developing this thing called ARPANET, which was a prototype of sorts for the Internet. I wonder if they realized their invention would one day be used for the worldwide promotion of horny teenage nymphos doing the hoochie-coochie dance.

Cyberporn, in its breathtaking array of possibilities, was not the original purpose of the Internet. Nevertheless, it's out there.

Boy, is it out there!

I will admit that a decade ago, when I discovered I could use my computer to view women in scantily-clad poses, I immediately sold my collection of antique Victorian era toothbrushes to buy a color monitor. Twenty minutes later, I realized computer-generated images of anorexic women with 57DD breasts are about as erotic as crayfish. My fascination with cyberporn fizzled abruptly and I went back to video solitaire.

Nevertheless, money is being made off of Internet porn. I know this because every day at work, I receive approximately 37,432 e-mails from total strangers informing me I can have three-day trials of horny teenage nymphos doing the hoochie-coochie dance on my computer, absolutely free, if I just give them my credit card number.

I'm all for free enterprise, but last week, these messages went too far.

I got to work, turned on my computer, and was greeted with e-mail from an Internet entrepreneur named Rolly Rumpert (rollyrumpert@hotmail.com). My e-mail program at work automatically displays the most recently received message whether I click on it or not. Rolly was writing to inform me of his website, wrongholio.com. His message included graphics.

Very graphic graphics.

On my computer screen, without my consent, screamingly visible to anybody who walked by, was a photograph of….

[Personal note to my mother: Please stop reading this immediately. Turn off your computer, and go trim the ivy in the back yard until you forget I wrote this….]

…It was… well… it showed, among other things, a variety of human orifices and a hand.

Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with consenting adults engaging in whatever makes them quiver, but if I want to see it at all, work is not the place. If my boss had walked by and seen the e-mail, it would not have looked professional.

Mortified, I immediately deleted the message.

Then I called my co-workers over, opened up my "Deleted Mail" folder, and showed them the shocking image I had just seen.

They were equally mortified, so much so that they called several other co- workers over to show them.

Rolly Rumpert failed to entice me with a free three-day trial, but I know he and many others are making a lot of cash from websites like his. Internet porn is big business.

I keep track of search engine statistics that bring visitors to my own website. The number two search phrase after "Dave Fox" is "pictures of me naked." (You will find this phrase on my homepage.) The most often read article on my website is my article about being naked in a Finnish sauna.

I have learned something important through all of this. If you want to bring visitors to your website, words like sex, naked, sex, horny, sex, nude, sex, young teenage girls, sex, hoochie-coochie, and sex will increase your website traffic.

The words in this very article will probably triple my search engine traffic over the next year.

Sex sex sex sex sex.

I would be a less hostile person if I didn't have to slog through 37 screenfuls of porn spam each morning. But apparently people like Rolly Rumpert are staying afloat in these difficult economic times by sending unsolicited photos of assorted orifices to millions of Internet users like me and you. I suppose it's better than organized crime.

As far as Queen Elizabeth goes, I have to wonder if Her Majesty knew what she was helping create when she sent that historic e-mail in 1976. I doubt it. Then again, perhaps she appreciates the anonymity.