My Oppressed Keys

By Dave Fox

To those of you who are of the American persuasion, I have news that will bring joy to your hearts:

I am back in the country.

I will give you a minute to compose yourselves.

(Please pause for one minute. Then continue reading.)

Whenever I return to the United States after an extended trip abroad, I am assaulted with a barrage of questions. And don't get me wrong; I really do love answering the same mundane questions over and over and over. But in order to facilitate the process, I am proud to present you with this list of Frequently Asked Questions about my recent trip to Scandinavia.

Q: Welcome home Dave. How was your trip.

A: Will you please come up with something more creative to ask me than that?

Q: Okay. Ummm… I heard airport security is extra tight right now. Please enlighten me about the extra tight security conditions.

A: Extra tight security in Scandinavia consisted of this: SAS told me I had to change my flight time from Oslo to Copenhagen so that I would have a five-and-a-half hour stopover rather than a 90-minute stopover. This was so I would get to Copenhagen in time for the new, extra tight security process required by the US government for all flights to the United States.

Q: What did that extra tight security in Copenhagen consist of?

A: It consisted of me walking around Copenhagen airport for four-and-a-half hours, drinking two small beers, and waiting for them to announce my flight gate. Then they announced it. Then they asked me if I was an American citizen, to which I answered yes. Then they said, "Have a nice flight Mr. Fox." That was their extra tight security. I think they just wanted me at the airport early so they could sell me more beer.

Q: You had four-and-a-half hours and you only drank two small beers? Are you okay Dave?

A: Yes, I'm fine. I just had other things to take care of.

Q: But what could possibly be more important than beer?

A: Trying to locate my house keys and cell phone, which were supposed to be arriving in Copenhagen on a later flight from Oslo.

Q: You mean they wouldn't let you and your cell phone sit together on the same flight?

A: What happened is, as I was passing through the metal detector in Oslo, there was some drama at the x-ray machine. I had to throw myself on the conveyor belt to rescue a beer poster, which I had stolen from a Norwegian military base. My stolen beer poster was about to get crushed by the carry-on bag of a businessman in a big hurry. The security people at the airport, rather than thinking it was strange that a foreign national was throwing himself on their conveyor belt to rescue property he had stolen from one of their military bases, removed my keys and cell phone from the belt and set them aside. I discovered them missing as my plane was about to take off for Copenhagen.

Denied boarding: My keys (proud American keys) never made it to Copenhagen.

Q: So did you get them back?

A: No. Apparently somebody at the airport thought my keys were of Arab descent and would not let them fly.

Q: Wow, Dave. That's just like here in America. Did you hear about the Pakistani-American who got kicked off a Delta Airline flight because his ethnicity was making the other passengers nervous?

A: You mean the completely innocent guy who missed his brother's wedding because of his skin tone? Yeah. I heard. Forgive me if my history is off, but didn't we deal with the issue of kicking people off public transportation because of their race in the 1950s? Will somebody please explain to the hardworking Delta Airlines pilot who decided to kick the allegedly spooky-looking Middle Eastern man off of his plane that American democracy, which we are in the process of trying to defend, does not work this way.

Q: So what's the first thing you did when you got home?

A: First I broke into my condo. Then I went to sleep. Then I woke up at 2 a.m. and cursed the Safeway down the street for being closed between 1 and 5 a.m. Then I settled in for my first American meal in a long time, which consisted of crackers and beer, which was the only edible food in my condo.

Q: Crackers and beer? That's not very nutritious!

A: Who are you? My mother?

(Personal note to my mother: Please disregard the above rhetorical question.)

Q: Have you heard from Sputnik since you got home?

A: Yes. I first saw Sputnik last week dangling from the screen of my next door neighbor's window. I invited her over for Ocean Fish flavor Friskies, which she sniffed at and promptly rejected. Two days later, when my sardine and chicken supplying next door neighbor was apparently not home, Sputnik returned and meowed until I gave her food, which she did eat on her second visit. She has gained weight and seems happy scrounging from her human servants.

Q: So Dave, what are your plans now that you are home?

A: I plan to finish unpacking my boxes from my move one and a half years ago. Then I plan to take a few naps, and maybe splash some fresh paint up on my walls. After that, I will either pursue my dream of becoming an iguana farmer, or I will continue working in my day job until next summer's tour season.

Q: Welcome home, Dave. We are overjoyed to have you back.

A: Why, thank you.