My Extremely Urgent Earthquake Report

By Dave Fox

February 28, 2001

Seattle was rocked by its biggest earthquake in more than 50 years this morning. Phone lines here have been clogged since then. I have received a few phone calls from concerned friends, but it has been difficult getting phone calls to go through to Seattle. Therefore, I am preparing this extremely urgent list of answers to frequently asked questions about whether or not I still exist.

Q: Dave! Dave! Dave! What happened? Are you okay?

A: Yes, I am okay. Just before 11 a.m. today, Washington State experienced an earthquake that measured 6.8 on the Richter Scale. The epicenter was near Olympia, which is a one to six hour drive from Seattle, depending on traffic.

Q: Did you feel the earthquake?

A: Of course I felt it, dummy! It measured 6.8 on the Richter Scale! They felt it in freaking Salt Lake City, Utah!

Q: Where were you when it happened?

A: I was in an extremely boring meeting at work, thinking to myself, "I wish a massive earthquake would happen right now to spare me from this extremely boring meeting."

Q: What did it feel like?

A: It is difficult to describe what a major earthquake feels like. It felt a little bit like really great sex. Except that I was fully clothed. And terrified. And I did not have an orgasm. And my boss was in the room. Well, come to think of it, there was really nothing sexual about it. You are a pervert for thinking about things like that at a time like this.

Q: Was your condo okay? Was there any damage?

Shard of the Month Club: Operators are standing by to take your order!

A: My building was not damaged. I did have a big, heavy mirror above my fireplace that is no longer a big mirror. It is now 3,612 little mirrors. It slid off the mantelpiece and is now spread all over my living room floor. Tomorrow I am going to go buy gloves so I can clean up the glass without cutting my hand off.

I have heard that on e-bay people are actually auctioning off pieces of earthquake wreckage. But because you are my friend, if you e-mail me within 24 hours with your home address and request a souvenir, I will send you an authentic shard of mirror glass from the Seattle Earthquake of 2001 – absolutely free of charge! If you like your absolutely free shard of mirror glass, do nothing. Another shard will be mailed to you every month until you die, and your credit card will be conveniently billed $19.95 plus $5.00 shipping and handling each month. If you are not completely satisfied with your free shard, it is yours to keep for free. Simply send me a follow up e-mail with "Dave, I hate your mirror" in the subject line, and you will owe me nothing.

Other than my mirror, three paperback books tipped over during the earthquake. They were not damaged.

Q: What about your office? Was there any damage there?

A: Sadly, no. I could use a day off.

Q: Have there been any aftershocks?

A: Actually, while I was typing this, I thought we were having one, but it turned out to be my upstairs neighbor banging around. Because this was a very deep earthquake, we are not expecting any major aftershocks. If there are any, I will keep you posted on future damaged merchandise offerings.

Q: How are you otherwise?

A: Oh, okay, I guess.

Q: Is there anything I can do for you?

A: Well, my broken mirror will cost $75 plus 8.6 percent sales tax to replace, if you want to send me money.

Q: Would that be tax deductible?

A: Ummm – well, the IRS does not require receipts for deductions under $25. So, yeah, go for it, I guess. If you live outside the United States, please consult your local tax authorities before trying to claim this as a tax deduction.

Q: How long will it be before I can reach you on the phone?

A: Phone service in Seattle is NOT disrupted due to downed phone lines. You can't get through because every person in the world who can watch CNN and knows someone in Seattle is all trying to call here at the same time to make sure we are okay. Most people here are okay. As soon as you people stop trying to call us, our phone lines will open up and you will be able to call us.

Q: If you could be any kind of pizza, what kind of pizza would you be and why?

A: I would be pepperoni and green pepper because pepperoni because is spicy and exciting, and green pepper is healthy.

Thank you all for your concern.

Cheers,
Dave