Track List

1. Hi

"I would like to thank Dave Barry for comedic inspiration. I would also like to ask Mr. Barry to please hurry up and retire."

2. Babyphobia

"I had never burped a baby in my life. I had never burped anyone, other than myself. I knew I should pat Milo on the back. But How? Fast? Slow? How hard? I didn't want to kill him. Cause of death: Excessive burpage."

3. Quit Cloning Around!

"The Raelian sect is based in Las Vegas. They believe all humans — including you — are descended from space aliens.

4. Hooked on Bubonics

"What I'm trying to figure out is: Why are all of you university scientists keeping the Bubonic Plague in unguarded refrigerators? Can't you people just have normal college fridges with beer and half-eaten pizzas?"

5. Sputnik Has Landed

"I know what you're thinking. Don't ever feed stray animals, or they'll never leave you alone. I've known that since I was a child. But this cat was using powerful mind control on me."

6. Lose Weight: Watch Television

"I used to be able to sit down in front of the TV with a beer and some leftover Thai food and feel entertained in spite of my pathetic bachelor existence. But I can't watch TV while I eat anymore. Full frontal vomiting is in vogue these days."

7. A Word from Our Sponsor

"Foxitol relieves dryness of the mouth when taken with water. Foxitol also helps reduce anxiety, eliminating that helpless, irritated feeling you get every time you see a pharmaceutical commercial on television."

8. The Machine-Washable Messiah

"According to the 'Huggy Jesus' website, he is machine-washable. But is it really okay to put Jesus in the washing machine?"

9. Make Love, Not Lutefisk

"Today, more lutefisk is consumed in Wisconsin than in Norway.... A century ago, lutefisk really was a staple in the Norwegian diet. Also a century ago, a lot of Norwegians fled the country."

10. Has Anybody Seen My Shirt?

"I suspect that somewhere in Europe, there's a little-known strip mall with a shop called Dave-Mart, which specializes in used electronic gadgetry and used clothing for short men. Hotel maids, underpaid in their main jobs, supplement their income by scavenging under beds in hotels where I have slept."

11. Binky the Rat

"People in the streets of Venice were cheering for the rat.... Over and over, poor Binky kept banging his tender rat snout on the bar door in a desperate quest for a glass of Chianti."

12. Peter Cottontail's Revenge

"I like French people. I really do. Until they start serving their delicacies. Spleen of rhinoceros. Trout esophagus paté. They eat scary things in France.... Wiping tears from my eyes, I announced to the other seven diners at my table, 'I just ate something I thought was a mushroom. But I don't think it was a mushroom.'"

13. Quack!

"This duck has no inhibitions, and I'm jealous. I want to quack. Loudly. That would feel good right now. No searching for the right words to express my emotions. Just a long string of uninhibited quacks until I'm too exhausted to quack anymore."