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April 6, 2002

Toilet Seats: Case Closed

As expected, I received a maelstrom of mail regarding last month's column on putting the toilet seat down. And as I expected, people got very emotional, with opinions running along gender lines. Opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of davethefox.com.

From a female writer:

Dave, Dave, DAVE. This is really very simple. The reason men should always put the seat down is they have so much less to contend with if they are caught off guard. What happens to you? Perhaps you miss and (if you are a decent human being) have to wipe up the spillage with a piece of toilet paper. Waaah.

[Dave's uninvited commentary: I have never whined about wiping up spillage!]

You know, the same place you never wanted to get your head stuck in junior high. The place you won't touch without rubber gloves and a toilet brush. The place that you use as an analogy for a failed career / relationship / transmission of your Dodge Neon.

[Dave's uninvited commentary: Bringing up junior high was a low blow. And it was a Geo Metro, not a Dodge Neon.]

This is especially bad at home, which is why you should tread softly to avoid staying perpetually single. At three in the morning, one just cannot always focus on minor details when one's mind is fuzzy and directed toward one very basic biological need.

Rolling your eyes and having to lift the seat up is less traumatic than the horrifying moment when a woman realizes that she should have already contacted her intended target and momentum has taken over... there's no going back... SPLASH.

I also received this e-mail from an irate male writer:

Here's the thing, friend. Could woman really be so plumb STUPID that they don't look first before they squat?????

I personally think we should all put all the tops down, as many as the toilet will provide, and then put a huge garbage baggie over the whole deal. I mean, should women really be forced to LOOK at something as gross as a toilet?

Sir, in the interest of keeping your marriage intact, I am not publishing your name after that commentary.

My (female) cousin Lucy, with only five days left to go in med school, wrote with these important health tips:

For women, I have the strong admonition to SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN AND STOP PEEING ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT. Toilet seats are not nearly as dirty as, say, cutting boards or refrigerator handles. Besides, you don't catch illnesses off your butt; you catch them off your hands. The only way you are going to catch STDs (which these women's mothers must have told them at some point, since it is a common belief) is if:

1. The person who used the toilet before you rubbed her genitals all over the seat...

AND

2. You do the same.

Let's be frank; that never happens.

[Dave's uninvited commentary: At least not on this website.]

Thank you for bringing this most important issue to the attention of your readers.

You are welcome, Lucy. Davethefox.com is here for you, with the hard-hitting issues of the day.

To my female friends, I humbly offer these thoughts: Men do not leave the seat up because we are insensitive pigs. We leave it up because we forget. You forget to check that it's down. Fair enough. Allow us the same forgetfulness in leaving it up.

Among men, looking before we relieve ourselves does not seem difficult. We always do. So it's hard for us to fathom the terror of falling in. Learn to look before you sit. Don't do it because it's a fair solution. Do it for your survival. Even in the groggiest of states, this is a skill that can be learned. It beats drowning.

I stand by my proposal last month for a gender-neutral solution. Close the lid completely. All of you. It's the polite thing to do. And it gives us a place to sit, fully clothed, to put our socks on in the morning.

April 8, 2002

Daylight Savings: An Open Letter to President Bush

Dear George,

I know you're busy, so I'll be brief.

I've been really cranky today. This is because I lost an hour of sleep last night due to daylight savings time. I've noticed that everyone else has seemed cranky today too. I think I know how to solve this.

Instead of turning our clocks forward one hour, let's set them back 23 hours. This way, at 2 a.m. Sunday, it would then become 3 a.m. Saturday rather than 3 a.m. Sunday. We would all have an extra day to adjust and maybe finish our taxes.

I know what you're thinking, Mr. President: "Make no mistake, this will never work. The seasons will get all twisted around over time."

Well, you are right, sir, but I have a solution to that too. At first I thought, to hell with the seasons. It won't be a real problem until 50 years from now, and by then, I'll be too hopped up on Geritol to care. But I realize that is selfish of me, and I must think of the generations to come. So here's what we do: Whack a day off of April, so that after April 29, it becomes May 1. I haven't done the math on this, but I think that would work. Yeah, it sucks for the people who have birthdays on April 30, but maybe you could send them checks to make up for their missing presents, kind of like you did with the tax refund last year.

Just a suggestion. Thanks for listening to me, even though I'm a Democrat.

Cheers,

Dave