About Outbursts!

January

January

February

March

April

May

Dave's Words

Travel Journals

E-mail Dave

Go Home!

February 3, 2002

Beautiful Babies

When babies are born, people always say, "It's a beautiful baby boy/girl." You never hear anyone say, "Skip and Muffy just had a really ugly baby." That wouldn't be polite.

But how many babies are really beautiful in their first 24 hours of life? I don't know about you, but I was ugly — wrinkly, screaming. And according to my mother, I peed on the nurse when she tried to use me in a diaper-changing demo. I bet the nurse didn't think I was beautiful.

Newborn babies are quivering masses of screaming flesh. Beauty comes later.

February 9, 2002

Of Course

Have you ever noticed how people overuse the words, "of course"?

"Of course" means, "This is something everybody already knows." It's a polite way of saying, "If you do not already know what I am about to tell you, you have the intelligence of a snail."

Television reporters have a tendency to use the phrase right before they tell you something completely obscure though. Take, for example, the Olympic commentators reporting last night from the opening ceremonies in Salt Lake City. As the Armenian Olympic team marched proudly into the stadium, one of the announcers said, "Of course... the former Soviet Republic of Armenia has a two-man bobsled team."

Personally, I had not been aware of Armenia's rich bobsledding history.

February 14, 2002

Sleepless at CNN

People who sleep too much are likely to live shorter lives, according to a study published today in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The announcement has triggered a series of lawsuits by third graders who are accusing their parents of child abuse and demanding later bed times.

Explaining the study's results, medical reporter Rhonda Rowland wrote today on CNN.com, "Risk of death increased by 15 percent for those who slept eight hours a night, 20 percent for those who get 9 hours of sleep and 35 to 40 percent for those who sleep 10 hours a night."

Personal message to Ms. Rowland: Call me a pessimist, but I have always assumed the risk of death was 100 percent for all of us.

February 23, 2002

Yogurt Belly

Several months ago, I began to notice a protrusion from my stomach. This worried me immensely. "What if I'm pregnant?" I wondered. "What will people think?"

Friends of mine told me to relax. "You're not pregnant, Dave," they said. "You're just getting a beer belly."

"That's impossible!" I shrieked. "I drink less beer now than I did in college, and I never had this protrusion then!"

My friends tried to console me. "You're just getting old," they said.

So for the last couple of months, I have been trying to reduce my beer intake. It has been painful.

This morning, I sat down to what was supposed to be a healthy breakfast of strawberry yogurt and granola, and I discovered the true root of my problem. I eat yogurt for breakfast frequently, without really worrying about what yogurt really is. But this morning, I squinted at the label of my Yoplait "99 percent fat free" strawberry yogurt, and you know what? It has more calories than beer!

From now on, I am swearing off yogurt. I want my beer back.